Ashes to ashes

I stood around a roaring fire last night with a group of friends and family . . . some of us are connected by blood, all of us are connected by spirit.  I watched in awe as the flames danced in a blue and orange pirouette over the red glowing embers of erstwhile trees.  The face of a loved one looks different in the light cast by a fire.

Though the heat and flames of this fire were used to warm cold bodies on a winter's night, and toast marshmallows for a few, it was built for a very specific reason.  It was created in reverence and made sacred in beautiful ritual.  This would be a refiners' fire.

We all had things to let go of . . . things that perhaps had once served, but no longer did . . . things that weighed us down . . . things that have held us back . . . things that have been painful.  One at a time we stepped forward and placed our slips of paper in the fire, each slip representing something we were ready to release.  Each slip epitomized freedom as it was consumed in the blaze.  The curling smoke carried away the subjection and ramifications of the thoughts, experiences, beliefs and attachments we discharged in the fire.

With lightened hearts, we then stepped up to the fire again, this time declaring our intentions of creation.  We put our hearts, dreams and aspirations into the fire and proclaimed our vision.  Surrounded by the love, support and gratitude of others, we refined our spirits in the conflagration.  It was a beautiful renewal, and it is a brand new day.

So blessed

I am realizing more each day how blessed I truly am.  I have love beyond belief, flowing to and from my heart.  I have an amazing family and a circle of incredible friends.  I have imagination and creativity.  I have humor and sensitivity.  I have a curious mind.  I have gifts and talents.  I have the beautiful gift of incredible teachers in my life.  I have difficult times, pain, disappointment and heartache . . . all of which have brought me invaluable treasures.  I have life . . . I am so blessed.

For the love

I have a friend that often says, "Oh, for the love!"  It makes me smile, as it is usually uttered in response to something myself or others think is funny that is likely a little juvenile.  Anyway, I was thinking of that friend this morning, and I was struck by the truth and power of the statement.  "For the love."

We put time and effort into relationships . . . for the love.  We work on improving our lives and the lives of others . . . for the love.  We seek continued spiritual growth . . . for the love.  We give and we receive . . . for the love.  We laugh, cry, hope, worry and pray . . . for the love.

Today I am grateful for the love . . . the love of life, the love of others, the love of myself . . . the love I give and receive . . . the love that I am at my core.  I am grateful for the love!

Dragon roll

Happy New Year!  It is the year of the dragon.  In Chinese tradition, the dragon is said to bring good fortune and intense power.  The dragon embodies passion, independence and ambition.  In the year of the dragon, we are encouraged to let go of old ways of thinking, release what is stagnant and create some waves.

I have been learning a great deal about the patterns, beliefs and behaviors that have kept me stuck recently.  I am excited to move into this new year with a renewed belief in the power of change.  Letting go of things that no longer work in my life is challenging, yet so liberating.  Being unencumbered by anachronistic beliefs and unhealthy patterns frees me to pursue new goals and create new dreams.  It also opens my heart and mind to new levels of service to my community.

I am grateful for the lessons of this past year, though many have been painful and at times seemed harsh.  I have gained a new appreciation for the provisional nature of all things . . . circumstances, relationships, mortality . . . and am thankful to be reminded of the power of the present moment.  It is my fervent hope that this year I will love deeper in the moment, and lose attachment to past and future repercussions of loving.  I intend on continuing a life lived in gratitude and awe.

I am ready to make some waves!

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits." - Hannah More

I have been fortunate enough to learn that forgiving others of any perceived grievance or wrong doing I might imagine is a beautiful gift to myself.  I have found the joy and freedom in forgiveness.  I am finding that I still long to be forgiven by others . . . but I realize that it is not so much for my own comfort, though I admit there is comfort in being forgiven, but it is for their comfort.  I so want those that I love to be peaceful and experience joy.

It is with a humbled heart that I ask . . . please, forgive me.

Still still still

Life can become hectic, arduous and overwhelming.  I am grateful to be learning that it is my thoughts about the events in my life, and not the events themselves that create the stress.  Two things have become integral tools in reducing the stress and finding the truth that I am safe on this planet.  Those two things are breathing and gratitude.

It seems simple, and yet it can be challenging.  Breathing is automatic, it is connecting with my breath and slowing down to feel the oxygen fill my lungs and travel through my body to every cell that takes conscious effort.  But it is amazing to me how quickly purposeful breathing can calm my mind, relax my body and initiate peace within me.

From that space, finding gratitude is much more feasible, and gratitude - for me - is the key to a joyful, peaceful, loving existence.  Becoming still, I can find the knowing that I am safe, blessed and loved.  Ahhhhhh . . .

Breaking bad

Everybody has a bad day now and then.  I am grateful that my bad days are getting to be farther and farther between.  However, what they lack for in quantity, they make up for in intensity.  Not all bad days are paralyzing, but some are a struggle to recover from.

When I am centered, grounded and at peace it seems unimaginable to lose touch with the gratitude that sustains my positive outlook on life.  But there are days when I do lose touch with it, and they can be quite painful.  At those times, it seems impossible to get back into the state of being grateful for anything, especially those things that are connected to my sadness or distress. These are the moments when gratitude is truly integral in life.

Without the resilience to search for gratitude, it could be easy for me to fall into a pattern of self-pity, self-loathing or victimhood when faced with a bad day.  When one bad day becomes two, it creates momentum in a negative direction.  Breaking the pattern of negativity with gratitude has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.  Gratitude is my way of breaking bad.

Heal me

Healing comes in many forms . . . a bandage, a hug, surgery, energy work, physical therapy, a massage, the laughter of a child . . . the list could go on and on.  There are as many healing modalities as there are reasons for the need to heal.

I have discovered that healing not only comes in various embodiments, but manifests in diverse ways.  Sometimes healing means recovery and recuperation.  Sometimes it means forgiving and moving on.  Sometimes it means embracing what is and loving the reality of your life.  No matter the form or process, healing hinges on openness and reception.

When faced with serious illness, tragic events or a broken heart, it may seem difficult or impossible to heal.  But as I have opened up to the possibilities, and lost my attachment to what healing looks like, I have found that healing is always possible and available.  And the most important aspect to healing, in my experience, is belief . . . belief in ones' self, and belief in the method of healing you practice, employ or apply.  Believing that things can and will get better, and letting go of what that looks like, is an amazing gift I can give myself.

What I have come to be grateful for is my understanding that healing is less about reclaiming a previous ideal, and more about spiritual growth and development, and finding joy in any circumstance.  Do I believe in miracles?  Absolutely!  And they are happening around us always.  The miracle can be complete recovery or loving what is.  Whatever it looks like, we can all be healed.

Grace and gratitude

The most fervent prayers of my youth were for an easier life.  Even until recently, I hoped for, asked for and sought to ameliorate suffering . . . my own and that of others.  I used to think that all suffering was needless, and that struggle was some sort of punishment or repercussion.  But I am grateful to be learning the value in conflict and the gift of suffering.  Is there needless suffering?  I don't know.  But I do know that affliction is not only valuable, but necessary for growth.

There is a dangerous trap that I am guilty of falling into when facing adversity, and that is getting stuck in the pain and struggle.  I am learning the value of sitting with the sorrow, facing the hurt and pain, but moving on with the lessons that accompany them instead of indulging the self-pity or getting swallowed by the  grief.  To know sorrow and loss is to truly feel and value joy and connection.  To experience pain is to revel in freedom and pleasure.  To acknowledge hurt and allow tears is to possess humor and laugh with abandon.  Opposition is truly a gift - if I can accept it.

I no longer pray for an easier life, but express my gratitude for the life that I have.  I no longer pray for an end to suffering, but rather that I am able to endure it with grace and move on.  My greatest hope is to complete this life with as much grace and gratitude as possible.

Find your way back

I have been on a spiritual journey for the past ten years, finding what I believe, and discovering how to express and articulate my spirituality in a meaningful way.  This has involved navigating the beliefs I have inherited from my family, ancestors and community, as well as negotiating my thoughts and feelings around questions like "why am I here," and "does God really exist."

For some reason, I have thought that the answers to life's questions are somewhere "out there."  I have searched for answers from people I consider to be spiritual masters, psychics, trainings and seminars, friends, strangers, books, movies . . . the list goes on.  And, while I have received insights from many of these explorations, my biggest aha moments have come when I have been guided within.

I am grateful to be learning that I have the answers I am looking for.  I am following my intuition as to where to look for insight and information.  And what I am finding is far more than simply an inventory of beliefs and morals.  I am finding my place in this world.  I am finding who I really am. I am discovering that I am, as I have always concluded, not perfect - BUT, I am finding that I can be whole.  I am learning to embrace my light and dark, my gifts and shortcomings, my strengths and weaknesses.

When I really spend time in introspective contemplation, I get in touch with my essence, my core, which is love.  I am love.  I am gratitude.  Knowing that, I will go forward on this journey looking for inspiration, knowledge and guidance "out there," but going within to find my answers, truths and principles.  I am merely finding my way back to me.

Let me explain . . .

I am realizing how important it has been for me to be "understood."  I have this intense desire to set the record straight when someone misinterprets what I do or say.  I want to explain myself to people, even strangers, so that they can know my intentions and understand where I am coming from.  Two goals that have been priorities in my life and that are impossible to ever obtain.  I cannot control how others view me, my actions or my words.  Wow!  That bears repeating . . . I cannot control how others view me, my actions or my words.

A deep sigh of relief followed by a sudden sense of panic and anxiety.  I think that means I have a long way to go before I can fully let go of this one.  Luckily, I am also discovering that gratitude and compassion are the way out of the trap of needing to be understood.

This lesson has been presenting itself over and over recently.  I think the Universe is encouraging me to finally get this one!  Anyway, the first thing that I learned is important is to get clear with what my intentions truly are.  Once I am clear, it is helpful to take an honest look at whether or not my words and actions have been aligned with my intentions.  When they are not, I get to take an uncomfortable inspection of my motives and truth.  Either way, it is beneficial to step back and see how what I did or said can be interpreted differently than I intended.  At that point, I can step into compassion - compassion for myself and my "come from," and compassion for the person I wish to explain myself to.

 I am focusing on being clear with myself and allowing others to have their experience of me, my words and my actions without trying to manipulate or control it.  I am grateful to be learning this lesson.  Do you understand where I'm coming from?

Finding the gap

That sweet second of repose between exhaling and breathing in . . .

A few small repairs

Speed has never been a talent I have possessed.  My top pace, physically, is a jog at best. Apparently my speed in spiritual growth rivals that of my running.  The important thing, (I keep reminding myself,) is that I am making progress, and even slow progress is progress none the less.

I am learning a valuable lesson - and this is where the lack of speed is really making itself known - about how I treat the people I love.  Evidently, I fancy myself as a handyman, a repair technician, a "fixer."  Those of you who know me might be asking if this is truly something I am just now discovering.  Yes, thus the  emphasis in the first paragraph of my lack of swiftness.

It has been my natural propensity to step in when I see someone hurting, struggling, questioning  . . .  I have thought it was just a way for me to give love and support, to show up as a friend.  What I am learning is that my inclination to "fix" things in the lives of those I love has been a burden to them and a hindrance in our relationships.  My intentions, however good, do not make it acceptable.  

By stepping in to offer solutions or alleviate pain, I have sent a message that the people I love are inadequate on their own.  I have added anguish to an existing problem.  These are results I never intended.  So, I am working now on seeing the challenges my loved ones face as great opportunities for their growth and discovery and my listening and compassion.  I can give love without giving solutions.  I am grateful to be learning, finally, that I am not only slow, but I am a poor excuse for a Maytag man.  I am going to stick with love and compassion and leave my toolbox in the garage.

Taking the plunge

For years I have been intrigued by the ritual of folks taking a "polar bear plunge" on January first each year.  It is a tradition that has baffled and fascinated me.  Why would anyone want to take a dip in ice cold water in the middle of winter?  I am an avid swimmer and absolutely love being in the water, but I have never been a fan of freezing, and that's what has perplexed me.

I have known for several years about the local plunge held each year and hosted by renowned artist Gary Price.  In previous years, I had considered going and watching the crazy people jump in the pond by his home in Springville, but never did make it.  This year, the event called to me, and one recent morning I woke up knowing that this was the year for me to take the plunge.  One of the best decisions I have made thus far in my life.

Stepping over and through thin sheets of ice and rushing with close friends into the murky, koi filled pond was one of the most spiritual, sensational, cathartic, exhilarating, awesome experiences of my life.  It was an initiation into the new year, a propulsion into the next phase of life.  It was a baptism from which I emerged energized, grateful, passionate and committed.  I have never felt so alive!!

I took away many lessons from those few minutes spent in icy waters.  Perhaps the most powerful message I walked away with is that the time is now.  So much time can be wasted waiting for circumstances to be better or perfect.  Opportunities are lost, dreams are unfulfilled, and goals are abandoned waiting for more amenable conditions.  Fear can stop us in our tracks, leaving us on the edge of the pond wondering what we might have missed, waiting to be brave.  The waiting is over, the time is now, I am moving forward.

I cannot imagine another New Year's day without a plunge involved.  Thank you Gary and Leesa!  Thank you brave friends!  What a great way to start off the year!  Life is beautiful, exciting and now . . . take the plunge!