Back in Black

So, yesterday I began this "post" and was summoned away from my writing to attend to some family business.  The post ended up publishing, so I removed it when I got home to finish it.  But it seems to have permanently vanished.  Basically it was just my statement that it was time for me to come clean.  Here goes.

The last few years of my journey here on this Earth have been interesting, exciting, intense.  I have been working on my spirituality for the past ten years, after finally discovering the being spiritual does not necessarily involve religion.  I have been blessed with amazing teachers along my path, and have some of the greatest teachers in my life right now.  I am humbled and grateful for this.  And it is through these teachers, that I am learning who I truly am.  The best way to start learning that, is to learn first what I am not.

I am not all things to all people.  I apologize for ever thinking I could be, and for taking on such a monumental task for which I blamed my failures often on those I disappointed.

I am not the best person for every job.  I convinced myself and sometimes those I love that I am, and then couldn't believe it when I would fail.

I am not the strongest, toughest, smartest or nicest person in the world, but I wanted you to think that.

I am not the answer to your prayers or the person that is going to make your life better or easier.  I thought I had to be to make a difference, and trying just added up to more disappointment.

I am not always positive and loving.  When you ask how I am, I often lie - I haven't trusted you or myself enough to say anything but "super fantastic," or the like.

I am not the person that is going to show up for lunch, coffee, or whatever at least half the time.  I over promise and under deliver.

I have let down every person on this earth that has ever mattered to me.  That's the bad news.  The good news is, now I know.  I have finally taken that ride all the way to the bottom, and I can see where I trip myself up.  I want to apologize for the disappointment.  The best way to do that is to get up, dust myself off, step back up to the plate and keep my eye on the ball.  Now I know who I am.

I am a woman who is truly filled with love and gratitude.  I feel deeply, I love completely and I share emphatically.  It is who I am.

I am a woman who has met her belief that she needs to be loved, and found that peace can be found in the gratitude of loving without  want of return.

I am a woman who is learning to trust herself and is building a reputation of integrity.  I will be the woman who promises what she is capable of delivering.

I am many things, but more than anything, I am sincerely grateful.  I am grateful for every joyous second, and every painful hour.  I am grateful for the depth of my emotions, the indefatigable love I have, and for the fervent desire for connection that drives me.

Thanks for letting me clear the air.  Deep breath in . . .