Fear Factor

For the record, I am very conflicted over reality tv.  I have never been a fan of Survivor, The Bachelor or Project Runway.  I would not even think of watching something like Hoarders, Intervention or Fear Factor.  And yet, I set my dvr to record Dancing With the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, The Voice, Sing-off, and yes, American Idol.

Wow, that confession just took a huge weight from my shoulders.  There.  Now you know.  So, while I am confessing, I have another disclosure to make.  For the past several days, I have been living in my own version of the Fear Factor.  There were no snakes, worms, cows blood or catapulting.  My Fear Factor simply involved fear.

I stepped (or slipped or fell) out of gratitude, out of a space of trusting the Universe, trusting life, trusting me.  And I learned that once I step out of thankfulness, it can be a very swift descent into fear.  Every change in my physical body became something to panic about.  I found myself torn between reaching out and connecting with people I love or becoming reclusive.  I doubted every thought.  I questioned every statement.  I cursed every element of my life.  I got angry.  I became indignant and resentful.

For a moment, I questioned whether I could recover from the tailspin I was in.  And then a five year-old lovingly and unknowingly brought my attention to the fact that every moment is a choice between love and fear.  Every moment.  "What is the most loving thing for me?"  If I allow myself to be guided by that question and the honest answers that come, I will always be peaceful.

Bodies get older and fail, relationships have hiccups, goals are not always reached, pain is felt . . . but when met with love, they can be some of our greatest moments.  I am grateful for my fall from grace.  It is, if nothing else, a fabulous reminder to me of the power of gratitude and importance of trust.

"I trust my soul, my only goal is to be.  There's only now, there's only here.  Give in to love or live in fear.  No other path, no other way.  No day but today." - Jonathon Larson (from Rent)