Comfortably numb

The past twenty four hours have been challenging and revelatory.  I have discovered just how numb I have become to being deceptive with myself and others.  How I have stuffed, withheld, and denied feelings that were uncomfortable or that I had predetermined to be bad - feelings that might be hurtful, upsetting, disappointing to or unpopular with others.

I have been so focussed on being grateful and compassionate that I have shunned any emotion that I thought might conflict with that part of me.  I have forced myself to swallow anger and find compassion for whoever I was angry with, telling myself the story of being the compassionate and giving woman.  What I ended up doing was lying to myself and others, feeding an undercurrent of resentment that showed up in unhealthy ways, and losing my sense of self.  I would struggle with why my relationships aren't working and find reasons to doubt myself and my truth, the truth I had become desensitized to.

I AM a compassionate and giving woman.  I am also a woman who can be petty and small and angry and hurt and uncaring.  I CAN find compassion for the one who hurts, angers, ignores or upsets me, but from now on it will be after I express my truth and find compassion for myself.  I am learning to stand up for myself, to stand in my truth.  I am ready to work at being honest with myself and others, even when it looks like expressing something ugly or unpopular . . . even when it means me being wrong . . . even at the risk of losing favor or love.

I am ready to become uncomfortably vulnerable.